Easy picks for today’s Best Covers column, my friends. Eeeeee-Zeeeee. It was almost as if the four comics featured here literally leapt off the rack directly onto the scanner and said, “Scan me! And then write funny things about me!” Or am I confusing this column with my other life as a wise-cracking ultrasound technician? No matter. Here comes the funny!

As usual click on any of the covers to enlarge.

SUPERMAN #20

Cover by Kuder and Quintana

You probably saw this week’s Whiz Bang earlier in the week — Superman back issues on sale! — so it’s only appropriate that I lead with the one and only Man of Steel, who is here delivering one of the best punches to the face I’ve seen in many months. SMASH!

Yes, long time readers know that any time I see good knuckle sandwich to the jaw I have to include it in this column. But  there honestly haven’t been any good ones recently! So it was with great pleasure and relief that I saw this one… which even includes a solid sound effect! And finally, I don’t care if you ARE a New God, your jaw would be OBLITERATED. If the Man of Steel movie features a punch HALF this good it will be the best movie of the summer.

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With today’s column I want to pay tribute to one thing: VIOLENCE, and lots of it. The very first comic I read last night (The Legend of Luther Strode #5, which I’m sure Rusty will discuss in his Nominees post tomorrow) had some of the best comic book violence I’ve read this year. Not for the faint of heart, of course, but it did remind me how effective violence can be when done right.

That said, all of today’s covers are fairly violent. If you prefer it better when I do My Little Pony and/or Skottie Young variants, best not to click through. You’ve been warned!

HELHEIM#2
SECOND PRINTING

Cover by James Stokoe

Aaaand, nothing says violence quite like an entire mountain of bloody corpses! Haven’t had a chance to read Helheim yet, but I know it’s about vikings. Which makes me think that every person in, on and under this grisly pile met their end at the blade of a viking axe, perhaps one of the most brutal ways to be put down. Axe to the head!

You also have to feel bad for this poor guy who’s left over. That’s not one of the shards of Narsil in your hand there, buddy! And I don’t think you’ll be cutting off anyone’s hand with it.

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I give you full warning, readers: today’s column has been written on about 30 minutes of sleep. Not only am I still coming down from the high that is Free Comic Book Day, a high comparable to Lindsay Lohan on your average Tuesday night (which is to say amazing), my dog underwent surgery yesterday and kept me up half the night whining about it. My replies of, “You’re just lucky we didn’t send you up to the Great Dog Run in the Sky!” had no effect.

So, because of the sleep deprivation, and depending on your point of view, you’re either going to categorize this as the Extra Super Duper Funniest Column I’ve Ever Read EVER or Ridiculously Unfunny Try Again, Smart Guy. Let’s see!

DEADPOOL #9

Cover by Art Adams, Peter Steigerwald

Long time readers know, generally I try to avoid Deadpool covers. Why? Because many moons ago I got in the habit of including a Deadpool comic in my column each and every week, cracking myself up with the hilarity of it all. (In my defense: they were funny!) So, these days I try to avoid them. But this one would NOT be avoided.

And I didn’t even pick it for the usual Deadpool goofiness, I picked it because it features an incredibly badass shark! I mean look at that sucker! Art Adams and colorist Peter Steigerwald have put together an underwater scene so realistic that I half expect to see Jacques Cousteau peering down from the deck of the Calypso. (Even on 20 minutes of sleep I can still conjure the name of Jacques Cousteau’s boat; someone get Guinness on the phone!)

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You might think our brains are totally addled this week with thoughts of Free Comic Book Day, driving us all to distraction, unable to even think about such mundane things as the Best Covers of the Day. But you’d be sooooo wrong, buddy. Not only can I still think about the Best Covers, I can also bring it like it’s never been brought before. Prepare yourself not just for the Best Covers of the Day, but for the SUPERIOR Covers of the Day!

SUPERIOR SPIDER-MAN #9

Cover by Ryan Stegman

Okay, I was kidding. Our brains really ARE addled with Free Comic Book Day. In fact, if you were to take off the top of my head like as if it was a can of beans, you would almost certainly see that the various lobes — frontal, parietal and otherwise — have shifted around and mutated  to the point where they now actually read THE SUPERIOR ANDY B.

(Ha! You thought I was going to say Free Comic Book Day, didn’t you? No such luck, pal. My brain does what I tell it to do! And if that grey matter is going to spell out anything, it’s gonna be at my specific request. Unlike that weakling Peter Parker.)

But seriously, great cover.

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It’s already a funny week here in the Cosmic Comics newsroom. Not only did I just get back from an all-too-short vacation to sunny Orlando, where I enjoyed just about all of the Disney resorts and Universal Studios, too, but I had to get up at the ungodly hour of 8:30 this morning in order to take care of some new comics business! I tell you, life is tough in the big city. My head is spinning faster than it was on the Spider-Man ride! Anyway, pickings were a little slim this week on the covers front, but I still found you some quality stuff. As always, click to enlarge! Or don’t! Totally up to you.

CABLE & X-FORCE #7

Cover by Salvador Larroca, Frank D’armata

A couple things jump out at me about this cover. First, there’s the excellent use of Futura Bold font for the phrase, "Daddy’s Home." You might recognize this font from the cover of the first two Vampire Weekend albums, Nike T-shirts with phrases like "Just Do It… Crimson Tide," and just about any Wes Anderson movie. The other thing I noticed right away was the size of Cyclops’ trapezius muscles. Good gravy! He must be shrugging 1500 pounds with those suckers!

But also, "Daddy’s Home" itself is pretty funny. Especially when you consider that Cyclops’ son Cable is a grizzly old man. Something tells me he won’t be getting a Ward Cleaver-type welcome when he walks in the front door.

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I was joking the other day that here at Cosmic Comix my tasks are divided up into two categories: things I NEED to get done and things I HAVE to get done. That’s sort of how I felt as I looked over the comics this week. There are so many good titles! I was like, "Okay, well I HAVE to read Uncanny Avengers… but I NEED to read Uncanny X-Men!" It’s what you call one of those good kind of problems and I was happy to have it.

SAGA #12

Cover by Fiona Staples

If you follow us on Facebook, you probably saw that last night I posted an interior page from this issue of Saga, as I have done in the past. Seems like every time I read it there is at least one page that jumps out at me and makes me either laugh with delight or drop my jaw in shock. Which isn’t to say that’s how I felt about this cover, but knowing what I know did make this cover that much better.

For example, having read the story so far, I know that the Robot Kingdom has assigned the pictured Prince Robot IV the task of figuring out what happened to main characters Alana and Marko. Yet here he lies, possibly dead but for the test pattern running on his face. I also know that Apple announced yesterday it was banning Saga from being sold through its apps, which I have to say surprised the heck out of me. Together, these things added up to a READ ME!!! vibe. Which is exactly what a cover is supposed to do. You could call it the "Off-Panel Effect."

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Before I get into the Best Covers proper, I do have to make amends for a grievous oversight in yesterday’s DC Highlights post. While Detective and Green Arrow and World’s Finest and Swamp Thing are all indeed coming out, there’s something that sets ALL of the DC Comics apart this week, not just those I mentioned. That is of course, the awesome fold-out covers!

You might remember that in my Looking Forward to April column I mentioned DC’s WTF Month? Well, DC Editorial might have thought better of the ridiculous WTF Certified stamp (pictured left), because it doesn’t seem to appear anywhere, but they’re still trying to capture the same vibe with some excellent "What the?" style fold-out covers.

For example, the superb Dial H #11 cover at right by Brian Bolland. Looks like a typical Dial H cover — you know, with a dial — but click on it to see what the fold-out looks like… I’ll give you a second… in fact, take two seconds… HAHA! Awesome. Check out poor slob Nelson Jent in the Flash costume. Hilarious. 

And I have to say, most of them are that good. I would also recommend Green Lantern #19. God, I love Sinestro.

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If you’ve been following this column over the past few months, you’ve probably noticed that, aside from a few usual suspects, there is a distinct lack of DC Comics titles in these pages. Well, that’s because their covers are, by and large, totally lame. But all that changes this week as no fewer than three of the four covers hail from DC! 

I would also say that if you’ve been following this column over the past few months it probably means you have superb taste in reading. I would venture to say you also read Mother Jones, The Economist, The Atlantic and Harper’s, too. We members of the intelligentsia have to stick together!

BATMAN THE DARK KNIGHT #18

Cover by Ethan Van Sciver

Little known fact: My history with comics doesn’t go as far back as many of you. Even littler known fact: Ethan Van Sciver is the artist who first made me realize several years ago that superhero comics can indeed be awesome. He was my Jack Kirby… my Todd McFarlane… my Jim Lee! 

That said, this cover is a good example why. His images are so crisp and clear and shiny… even while depicting Mad Hatter coming out of Batman’s sternum like an Alien chestburster! Love the Hatter’s elevator shoes.

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As a great man once said, I need to tell you people a thing or two about a thing or two. This is a little lesson on the way things work here at the Best Covers column, a peek behind the curtain if you will. So if you’ve been wondering about artistic process or inspiration, how we go from point A to point B or what have you, this is that rare opportunity when I give you all the insider info you’ve been looking for! It’s like that show Unwrapped with Marc Summers, except instead of figuring out how the peanuts get in the M&M’s we’re gonna see how the Best Covers column is written. So here we go, the process from start to finish, no holds barred and behind the scenes…

Every week I pick four covers that I like and I write about them.

Oh… uh…. you thought there was more? Well sorry to disappoint, Mr. Fussy! Next time YOU write the stupid column!

NEW AVENGERS #4

Cover by Jock

How could I not go with this for my number one spot?! It’s the one and only Galactus! The unofficial (or maybe official) mascot of Cosmic Comix & Toys! Always terrifying and awesome (in the traditional sense of the word awesome) no matter what he’s doing. And the way this cover depicts him, it almost looks like he’s the Illuminati’s back-up, their ENFORCER. Which would be a-mazing. "Yeah, we’re bring the Devourer of Worlds to the table. Who do you have?"

Additionally, since Scalped is now finished, it gives me an excuse to keep Best Covers Hall of Famer Jock in my rotation of frequently appearing artists!

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Boy are you in for a treat when you come by the store this week! Not only are we offering up vintage digests for only $1.59, we also did our first ever Surprise Whiz Bang with Secret Invasion Hardcovers for $7.99! PLUS, we’ve got a few extra SECRET and even DOUBLE SECRET Surprise Bonus Whiz Bangs! Including a monster Fantastic Four Omnibus for over 50% OFF! At this point, we’ve got more tricks up our sleeve than David Copperfield in the ’80s.

You might think I wouldn’t even have time to pick out the Best Covers of the Day, but you’d be wrong, my friends. OH SO WRONG.

FEARLESS DEFENDERS #2

Cover by Mark Brooks

Congrats to Fearless Defenders for winning the award for Most Clever Cover of the Day! I tell you, a nice scan of this sucker and you really would think it’s a picture of the new Dani Moonstar action figure. Mint on Card!

Say, that gives me an idea. I wonder how many suckers on eBay I could fool into thinking this really is an action figure…

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It’s a busy, busy week here in the Cosmic Comix newsroom. First off, there’s the snow — and yes, WE ARE OPEN. But also, I hope you saw the excellent article in Catonsville Life magazine about us. I don’t know who the author is but I need to find him and shake his hand! And of course there’s also the official start of Cosmic Madness 2013! If you haven’t submitted your bracket yet, you still have until the end of the day to turn it in. So, tons of stuff going on here at the store… and I didn’t even mention the Age of Ultron! But let’s get back to that whole snow thing…

SCOOBY DOO #31

Cover by Robert Pope, Scott McRae, Jason Lewis

Scooby Doo sums it up best today.  Because, as you may know, we are in the midst of a serious snow event here in Maryland. I woke up to see my car completely DUSTED with the stuff! The really scandalous part is that my wife left early and then sent me a text to let me know that she had taken the community shovel with her! I could have been stranded. Fortunately, my clout and well deserved respect in our neighborhood meant that several people were more than willing to liberate my vehicle from its Arctic cocoon. 

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Here we are again, my friends. Another week, another slam bang line-up of boffo and socko comic book covers! Look for it every Wednesday morning at 11 am… until it flops and/or we decide to ankle the whole project. (Forgive my industry slanguage, I’ve been reading a lot of Variety in the days surrounding the Oscars.)

Anyway let’s get this horse opera underway! Wait… Or is it a chopsocky? Doesn’t matter, I’m the Best Covers Prexy around here and I do as I please!

HAWKEYE #8

Cover by David Aja

Far and away the most eye-catching cover of the day! A big old splash of red and a pretty lady with a smoking gun. If this doesn’t scream, "READ ME!" I don’t know what does. It also screams Valentine’s Day, and though it may be a little late for a Valentine’s Day tale, we can’t fault the Hawkguy crew for that; they backed up the schedule to accommodate the Superstorm Sandy story from last month

We also can’t fault them for having a cover that could also be confused for a Target ad. Though I really like that idea. "Come by and experience Target’s new line of Femme Fatale summer dresses! Just watch out you don’t get shot!"

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We’re all a little Cosmic Madness crazy around here these days. I’m starting to lose my mind with excitement over it all! In fact, I might have to start going to that doctor I keep hearing so much about! It’s a good thing I have the Best Covers of the Day column to keep me sane. 

What follows are my four favorite covers from this week’s comics. Don’t ask for any specific criteria or a grading rubric, because this is about instinct. Instinct and $100 bribes. As always, click on any of the images to enlarge and enjoy the show!

HAPPY #4

Variant Cover by Frank Quitely

My friends, the simple fact is this: if you put a goofy looking blue unicorn with wings and giant buck teeth on your comic book, it’s gonna make the best covers column! And if your name happens to be Frank Quitely? The number one spot is reserved for you, today and for all columns to come. Thinking back about past Best Covers columns, I believe an earlier issue of Happy won for much the same reason (though my useless intern can’t seem to find the specific column). No matter, Happy for the win!

It’s a little tough to make out but there’s also quite a lot going on in the background of this cover. I don’t want to spoil anything, but the background material there makes for one of the silliest pages INSIDE the book that I’ve ever seen in comics. In fact, if there were a column called Silliest Pages of the Day, and if the crack team here at the Best Covers desk were given the assignment, it, too, would be top of the heap. 

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As the old saying goes, I don’t mean to be telling tales out of school… BUT… a little bird told me that this weekend marks the beginning of the approach to our annual tournament Cosmic Madness! As I teased a few weeks ago, with this year’s tourney we will be determining the Best Female Comic Book Character of All Time. What does that mean for the Best Covers of the Day? Absolutely nothing! We here at the Best Covers Desk just wanted you to know about it, so that you can prepare and gather all of your internet friends and make sure that stupid old Aunt May doesn’t win. Stupid Aunt May…

On to the covers.

ARCHER & ARMSTRONG #7

Cover by Emanuela Lupacchino

Archer and Armstrong wins this week’s Best Intentionally Funny Cover Award! You’ve got our two titular heroes in the crosshairs of a sniper, knowing full well they are in the crosshairs of a sniper, and letting HIM know that they know. With a clever little sign.

Makes me wonder what sign I myself would hold up if I suddenly realized I was the target of a hit. Maybe… "Why destroy such a beautiful creature?" Or… "I’ve got $8.00 in my pocket. Call it a payoff." Or, most importantly… "Who’s gonna run Best Covers?"

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Hard not to be in a good mood this week if you’re a fan of a certain purple-clad football team. A valiantly played game that millions around the world enjoyed, and something a city can truly be proud of. I am of course talking about Toulouse FC, the 10th-ranked soccer team from France’s Ligue 1, who battled against the #1 team Paris Saint-Germain. In the end the boys (known affectionately as Les Pitchounes) came up short, but it was a fine, fine game. Worthy of a parade.

On to the covers! As usual, click any of the images to enlarge.

HIT-GIRL #5

Variant Cover by Bill Sienkiewicz

This was one of those covers that made me say, "Well, that’s my #1 cover of the week," without having seen a single other comic book. Artist Bill Sienkiewicz, one of the Old Masters of the comic book game and a true weirdo (artistically speaking), has here created a beautiful homage to his own cover for the Frank Miller classic Elektra Assassin.

Except of course in this version Hit-Girl is armed not with a Big Honking Gun and a sai, but a Really Big Honking Gin and a bloody sword. You didn’t know 10-year-old girls could hold Really Big Honking guns with one hand, did you!

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You’ll have to forgive me if I’m a little depressed today, readers. In fact, I may even be downright mopey. Because the sad fact is that it’s the first week of the spring semester, which means I will once again be splitting my time between the Best Covers desk and the front of a classroom at the local community college. It can be rewarding but it’s also very tiring molding young minds these days, especially when you have to deal with… problems. Like plagiarism, for example. It’s when a student’s writing style veers from late caveman to deconstructivist within a single paragraph.

Nevertheless, I do enjoy it. My class is called Choosing Your Favorite Comic Book Covers (for No Other Apparent Reason Than Your Own Whim). You should check it out sometime!

HAWKEYE #7

Cover by David Aja

Easily the most eye-catching cover of the day (no hurricane-based pun intended), and I give David Aja credit for being able to communicate to us exactly what we can expect in this issue. It’s clearly going to be a Hurricane Sandy story. 

The fact that many Marvel heroes live in New York City allows Marvel to portray current events in its comics, which I’ve always appreciated. I think this is the first time we’ve seen Sandy in a comic and that’s noteworthy. No word yet on when Marvel is going to cover A-Rod’s steroid use.

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Aaaaaaaaaand WE’RE OFF! Another week is officially underway here at Cosmic Comix and we’ve got more new titles to choose from than there are unhappy football fans in all of New England! And that’s a lot. I fully expected a riot at Foxboro after the Ravens’ win there on Sunday, but I think the pucker on Tom Brady’s face was enough to suck all the energy out of the stadium. It was a morgue in there! 

But enough about football. You think we’re here to talk about football?! NO! Of course not. We’re here to talk about Deadpool!

DEADPOOL #4

Cover by Geof Darrow

Punch to the Presidential face!! That is a fine slug coming from our hero. Poor old Abe is being hit so hard that his stovepipe hat is being knocked clean off! If they ever make a movie of this series, featuring undead POTUS’s like Abe Lincoln, Daniel Day Lewis is gonna be great in it.

I also like the idea of this being a regulated boxing match complete with referre, but that Deadpool is still allowed to carry two swords, a couple handguns and who knows what other weapons in that belt of his. What is that ref even doing?!

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It’s been a funny old week here in the Cosmic Comix newsroom. Multiple departments have been totally DECIMATED by a flu virus that is apparently strong enough to make the local news on a nightly basis. (Though given what ALSO makes the news on a nightly basis, I’m not sure how much that’s worth.) Luckily, the Best Covers Desk has been largely unaffected by this outbreak, save for one sneeze that occurred yesterday afternoon and was met with such contempt from the other staffers that it was immediately retracted.

On to the covers!

BIONIC MAN VS. BIONIC WOMAN #1

Variant Cover by Chris Eliopoulos

Our first two covers this week celebrate the one thing that, according to the Beatles anyway, is all you need… LSD! Ha. No, I’m kidding. The answer is of course LOVE! And the first two covers celebrate  it beautifully.

This here is a variant for the new Dynamite series Bionic Man vs. Bionic Woman, which clearly shows the featured characters in a state of being highly smitten with one another. They are in DEEP smit, you might say! And yes, I know I am a sucker for these cartoony covers, but this one was hard to pass up. It’s so darn cute!

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You probably saw yesterday on the Cosmic Comix Facebook page a rare peek behind the curtain at the new comics sorting process, complete with the highly advanced android we employ for putting comics into subscription boxes. I know I saw it and was downright OUTRAGED! Doesn’t our Social Media Guru know that nobody cares about that stuff?! The folks over in the New Comics Dept. are totally lame. What you guys DO care about is how the Best Covers column is created week in and week out. Right? RIGHT?! Perhaps next week we’ll post on Facebook an action shot of THAT particular process and you’ll really see how the donuts are made around here. The "Likes" will rain down like a sweet and soaking summer rain.

SWEET TOOTH #40

Cover by Jeff Lemire

Old Man Sweet Tooth! It actually made me a little sad, looking at that face of his. I’ve gotten so used to the blank, innocent stare of the YOUNG Sweet Tooth that the idea of an OLD Sweet Tooth really caught me off guard. (I guess I never expected the little runt to make it past the age of 18.)

But now… just look at those eyes. Eyes weighted down with a lifetime of struggle for equal rights for animal-human hybrids. As the falling leaves in the background will attest, he really is in the autumn of his years, as Frank Sinatra might say. Of course, Frank Sinatra also said, "Doo bee doo bee doo," so there’s no accounting for that dude’s wisdom.

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